I don’t want to be your friend

I don’t want to be your friend. I want to hold your hand as we walk down the street. I want to cradle your head in my arms when you’re sad. I want to laugh at your jokes and make breakfast with you. I want to bring you cups of tea just because. 

I want to tuck my feet under your legs while we watch tv. I want to hold your things while you try on clothes. I want to watch you have fun with your friends. I want to feel your hand on my back as you pass me. I want to feel your hand on my leg as we drive. 

I want to answer your calls. I want to hear your knock at my door. I want to have yours and my sides of the bed. I want you to pick the music while I drive. 

I want to know when you’re happy, when you’re angry, when you’re upset. 

I want to feel your breathing next to me. I want to see your shoes next to mine. I want to write you letters and notes and texts. I want to look at you from across a coffee shop table, smile at you over pints, from one side of a picnic bench. 

I want to jump out at you when you don’t expect it. I want to cook you dinner. I want to do the dishes together. I want to sit in the sun on a warm summer’s evening. I want to watch the sunset with you. I want to stay up until sunrise with you. 

I want to kiss you in the supermarket. I want to write shopping lists for meals we’ll have together. I want to buy your favourite crisps, keep things in the cupboards especially for you. 

I want to come home to you. I want to wake up next to you. I want to ring you when I’m sad. I want you to ring when I’m happy. 

I want to dance with your arms around my waist. I want to laugh at your jokes. I want to clean up your mugs. 

I want to see your favourite films and listen to your favourite songs. I want to introduce you to my friends. I want to sit next to you on a train. I want to walk along the beach with you. I want to take you shopping. 

I want to send you stupid jokes. I want to tell you about my day. I want to hear about yours. I want to try new things with you. I want to show you where I grew up. 

I want to age with you. I want time to pass with you. 

I want to see your jewellery on my chest of drawers. I want to see your shirt hung up on my wardrobe door. I want to share shampoo and soap and washing up liquid. I want to talk about cats with you. I want to hear you talk about the news. 

I want to read while you read. I want to cry when you cry. 

I want to make you feel safe. 

I want you to know me. I want to know you. I want to find your hand under the covers. I want to feel your soft kisses on my shoulder. I want to feel your fingertips trace my tattoo.

I want all the tiny little things and I want them to add up across time and I want to see the world go by and the seasons change and our ages to grow by one each year. 

I want it all if you’re there next to me. 

I can do it all on my own, but I want you there with me.