Book Review: What A Time To Be Alone

 What A Time To Be Alone, Chidera Eggerue

My rating: 3/5 stars

 

We can each decide our own fate:

Learn how to celebrate YOU

Don’t worry about THEM

Feel the togetherness in US

Take charge of your life.

Let the Slumflower show you how.

 

In this book, Chidera Eggerue, aka. the Slumflower teaches us the importance of self-love, focusing on what’s important in your own life, and how to deal with and avoid other people’s demons.

The book follows the format of three main sections: You, Them, and Me.

 

YOU:

In this section we cover a variety of topics. It begins with the wholesome reminder: you are supposed to be here.

The section focuses on how to treat yourself the way you are supposed to, the way you deserve, and within that, how to treat other people kindly too.

We so often treat people badly, because of the way we treat ourselves. So the Slumflower reminds us to not take the way people treat us to heart. Even kindness.

Other topics in this section include: healing, not comparing ourselves to others, focusing on yourself, and the lessons we can learn from loss.

An important section here describes privilege and how white people can recognise their privilege and make room for others.

White people are not born bad. Your race does not define the quality of your character. However, the learned self-entitlement that often comes with whiteness creates a way of thinking that breeds the mentality that whiteness has more value than blackness and, for this reason, the world is in a situation where a black person is seen as ‘less valuable’ than a white person.

This passage is particularly poignant. It highlights the problem Black and POC come up against when trying to highlight the issue of privilege, which is usually the argument that people didn’t ask to be born white, wealthy, or ‘pretty’. She highlights that these things are not inherently wrong, but what is done with them, and what is gained unfairly from them, is. That’s what needs to be recognised.

She goes on to talk about how sometimes we can try to ‘fix’ everything, even when nothing can be fixed, or when something isn’t even worth fixing. She reminds us not to make ourselves smaller to allow someone else to grow. This isn’t good for you.

A key quotation to note is the one that appears in large letters, in mantra repeat-after-me style, across the whole page:

I do not owe anybody ‘pretty’. Whichever state I choose to show up in will always be enough.

We all know which book I’m alluding to here, whose title is strikingly pulled straight from this page, which book was published after WATTBA, and owes a lot of the topics, style, and writing to Chidera Eggerue. We all know. I won’t even mention it by name.

This page reinforces the overarching message of this book. You are yours. You are here for you only. Whatever way you present yourself, and show up, and whatever it is you do, focus on, and share, is for you. Don’t do it for anyone else. Choose yourself. You are the priority.

You deserve greatness, so give it to yourself. We need to learn to stop feeling so guilty for being kind to ourselves. If you sit around waiting for someone to come and rescue you from yourself, life will pass you by – it ain’t gon’ happen.

 

THEM.

This next section focuses on our reactions to other people. The Slumflower reminds us that the way we feel about other people will change, and that this is ok. It means you are growing.

When you raise your standards for yourself, you stop getting excited over people showing interest in you because you’re interested in you too!

This section covers topics like who to stay away from, how to avoid and reduce the energy you give people who bring out the wrong sides of you, how to deal with emotionally unavailable people, and the way they may treat you. Never give people second chances after they’ve hurt you, because it means they think they can just do it again. How to deal with friends that give you ‘weird energy’, or don’t pay enough attention to you, or are taking advantage of you.

Eggerue reminds us to raise our standards for ourselves, and the way we should be treated.

I think an important topic covered in this section is the idea that:

You cannot save anyone.

Everyone has their issues, their vices, their hang ups, things you may wish they didn’t do. But, if you attempt to be the thing that fixes this, or changes them, or you’re constantly hoping they’ll stop/ change, then you’re going to end up disappointed.

You’ll resent them for not changing, and you’ll feel worse about yourself for not being able to change them, or enough for them to change for.

It won’t work. Move on.

Instead, we are advised to surround ourselves with people who honour how we feel. With people who reflect our energy, who support us, and show up for us.

Don’t forget to congratulate your friends, no matter how well they are doing.

Sometimes knowing that someone is rooting for you is enough.

Hold on to the people who remember your birthday, who are nice for no reason, who show they care.

 

US.

This last section talks about the in-between of ‘you’ and ‘them’. The ‘Us’. It talks about love, relationships, friendships.

It’s okay to want to be loved.

You don’t have to pretend you don’t care, to hide your emotions and feelings. You aren’t less of a complete person if you want someone to show you they love you. In fact, I think that’s what makes us human. But you don’t need to be loved in order to feel whole. Being you, just as you are, is enough.

Once you snap out of the fear of being alone, you become invincible. Your life finally becomes yours to shape.

In a relationship, you have to let yourself be vulnerable. But, the other person needs to be vulnerable too. If they’re too prideful, they won’t let you in, and they won’t be able to properly love you.

In this section we learn about: pride, mixed signals, empty promises, and who to stop hanging out with. How to distance yourself from the people who make you feel a certain way, or who do and say things that are hurtful, even if it’s a ‘joke’. How to show gratitude to people who do things for you, no matter how small, and what to do if someone doesn’t do this for you.

What you must realise is that you are not here to entertain anybody. You are everything you need to be for you.

A big point in this section, I find, is the lesson about how we can only control two things in life: our intentions and our reactions. We can’t control other people, how they act, what they say, what they do. So, why try to?

Tying your emotions to what someone else is doing, will only get you hurt. But, you can get hurt, and you will, but when you do, it’s okay. You are allowed to feel these emotions. Let them out. Look at them. Hold them in your hands and really look at them. They are yours. Use them.

Learning to process every emotion for as long as your body needs to is the only way to heal. Honesty with self is the best gift you can reward yourself with.

Our emotions have no expiry date. They will stay with us until they have served their purpose in our lives.

Whatever happens, you will get over it. The more you learn to listen to and use your emotions, the sooner this will help you heal. Focus on you.

The book (more like, the lesson) ends on a fabulous farewell. A reminder that we are enough. That although people can add to our lives, how we really are social creatures (I think this last year has shown us that), how we enjoy parties and holidays and facetimes and being connected all the time, we really are enough, all by ourselves.

May you find security in your solitude.

 

Wow! I really went full English-Literature-student-doing-a-point-by-point-summary on this book. BUT, it definitely feels more like a textbook than a book. Obviously, it’s non-fiction, and it’s self-help, it’s part-memoir, and creative portfolio. So, it felt right to really get stuck in and write down quotes that stood out to me, and go full HAM on this review.

Ultimately, what I liked about the Slumflower’s approach, is that she not only teaches you the importance of your own feelings, but does so in a way that reminds you of the problems others face. It isn’t just hard and fast ‘fuck everyone else, you do you’, it instead teaches you to be compassionate to other people, and their problems, but still with the overarching message that they aren’t yours to fix.

The title of this book is alluring, but does suggest that it’s going to tell you to lock yourself away in a tower and never see another human again (OOP-hello national lockdowns). But, the book, in its self-help format, instead focuses you on your intentions and your reactions, in relation to other people.

It never once says you have to cut everyone out of your life and make zero sacrifices. It just reminds you to PUT YOURSELF FIRST!

Sort your own emotions out, heal, learn who you are, and then you can donate time and effort as required to others, without compromising your own integrity and emotional wellbeing.

Remain compassionate but remember that it’s not your responsibility to rescue anybody from their unresolved trauma. It’s theirs.

I liked this book. I think I’m at an age now where I think I know most of these things. I’ve learnt these lessons already. I understand the messages but I’m already at that point. Which I know is privileged in itself.

However, I think if 15 year old me had read this, I would have saved a lot of myself for myself, and not wasted so much trying to fit in, please others, and donate far too much of myself to other people, without much in return.

So, 22 year old me didn’t need this book in the same way 15 year old me did, BUT it was still a valuable lesson in self-love and ordering my priorities. I will refer to the teachings in this book as a self-reminding bible of lessons, outlining the importance of my commitment to my own wellbeing.

 

 

Ellen Victoria

@artawaytheworld

 

Sections in bold are quotations from What A Time To Be Alone by Chidera Eggerue.

Chidera Eggerue, What A Time To Be Alone (London: Quadrille, 2018)